I get up early in the morning and do a little light jogging. I punctuate this by moments of fast sprinting. Then I'll go to see if the guy is awake. Not yet. OK, perhaps some more running. Not working either. How's about a wrestling match with my brother on the same bed as the guy. That's got him up, perhaps there'll be food now. No, he just threw my brother. Maybe he'll get the idea to feed us if I crap in the hallway. Yes, Yes, Yes, he's getting up. Hey buddy why the abuse? Why are you putting my nose in poop? I only did that so that you would know that there's room in my little belly for more food. Come on, just make with the meow mix and we'll be ok.
I wish I could capture the right tone of insanity and rediculousness that must go on in the mind of a simple housecat, but I don't think you can put that kind animal intelligence into words. and by animal intelligence, of course, I mean stupidity.
I am cat sitting this weekend for my sister and Professor Nicholas Von Whiskers, and Gus Jackson the First. Dumb names, dumb animals. Cute, but dumb.
So I got to thinking, how would I lunch if I was an animal. More specifically, how would I eat if I were a house pet animal with no wild instincts. I'd probably go the route of working the cute factor to get the humans to fill my bowl with hog anus and horsemeat, or whatever they put in the awful smelling cat food. In addition to working the cute, I'd learn where the food is stored and how to get to it because I can't be fed on somebody else's schedule. I's hungry now.
SO if you were an animal, how would you go about getting your lunch? How did you go about getting your lunch today? Whatcha eatin' on this dreary Friday?
32 comments:
Great topic mikey.
I remember we once had a guy cat sit for us and somehow the closet door to the cat food was left open...we came home to a ripped cat food bag and a cat that had gained about 35 lbs...
More in a bit.
i often say that if i were reincarnated in the next life, i'd like to be a cat. but a cat that is owned by some rich and kind family. i would want to be like that cat on the fancy feast commercials and spoiled rotten. i would want to eat out of a crystal bowl and be served lamb, veal, or salmon. the food would be organic or pure so no horse anus or any of that shite.
i'd also have a field of naturally growing catnip to roll around in whenver i wanted. yay for kitty crack!
then, after eating my scrumptious food (served to me every day at the right time of course by the family's butler) i'd nap...nap all day long and cuddle with my owners ever now and then so they can pet me and tell me that i'm just so gorgeous and the best thing ever.
wow, what a life it could be!
today, same as yesterday: turkey and swiss. i may have to steal a packet of mayo downstairs.
Cats are indeed crazy. I remember my old roomate's cat who would hide in the bathroom which was just off the hallway, and whenever I walked by she'd pounce out at me. Sometimes she'd hide around this one corner, and when I came around the corner she'd jump against the wall, get a big jump-push off the wall and come flying at me chest level. I guess the cat's mindset was:
Okay, the fucker's coming, I'm gonna TOTALLY get him good this time. Ready, ok ok ok. ATTACK!! Ha ha, got you good fucker!!"
As for me in cat land, any time I heard a can opener I would just start rubbing all over the feed person's legs, meowing a lot and twisting back and forth between the legs, I bet that shit would work good
GO SEE WHAT JEFF KILLED!!!!!
Mr. Dirty Mitts just sits on my chest and meows to wake me up when he's hungry. He has a good life - he's just a little dirty.
Ew, your dog is gross kiki.
Nice post, Sunshine! If I were a cat, I'd learn to be a damn better mouser than my or my parents' cats. The three of them sat & watched a mouse run across the living room floor the other day & didn't move at all, apparently. And then 2 of them cornered it & just sort of played ping-pong with it until I put it under a trash can for my dad to come home & deal with. Hey, it's his house, not mine.
I was taught long ago by my mother never to feed cats in the morning or you'll get no sleep. And my cat would probably starve from the lack of food in the morning due to hangovers.
So! What would I eat? I might eat the chicken liver pate my dad got the other night, b/c it totally looked like it came out of a cat food can. Ick. I would also tons of that kitty grass shit. That shit rocks. And I would never never EVER eat the Frosty Paws for cats (Cool Claws, I think it's called?) b/c it made my cat throw up 7 or 8 times in a row (on my new white carpet-argh). Poor thing. She never tosses her cookies more than once. And there was no hairball in it, either so I know it was the ice cream.
FL today is leftover pizza - hopefully it's still good - it's been in the freezer since last Friday, but not wrapped really. Just in the box. I'm starving. I got up way early & didn't have brekkie, so I might eat here in a few minutes.
One of our cats screams whe he wants attention, the other starts petting and drooling on us.
Spoiled brats.
I am very very hungry.
Any folks interested in a DC OWFL lunch?
Ugh, Jo, it's too ugly to go outside.
On another note: HT, check out this link from whatjeffkilled. You need to send in pictures of Mr. Dirty Mitts doing his Abraham Lincoln!
Man, I hate cats. I've always hated cats. An old friend of mine had a cat that used to wake me up by licking my hairline. I really hated that cat. That cat was one of the primary reasons I stopped sleeping over there.
One of them.
But, ht, I kind of dig that hunting cat. A couple of years ago, I walked in to my backyard to read over a pot of coffee one fair Saturday morning, and I found the head and liver of a rat under my chair. When I looked up, there was a large black cat staring at me from the top of the fence. The rat had been terrorizing my backyard for weeks, but I couldn't - for the life of me - figure out if the cat was telling me, A-Team-style, that the long backyard reign of terror had come to an end or merely that a new one had begun.
Thanks for the viscera, weird cat!
If I were an animal, I would definitely kill shit and leave it for others to find so they could then question whether I was a protective force in their life or a threat.
For lunch today, I'm having the leftover pad thai that I forgot to bring yesterday. I would have the leftover drunken noodle that I forgot to bring yesterday, but I thought it would be a good idea to shove that down my throat on top of about 20 Bud Lights when I got home last night.
Jo - I would love to, but I'm out in the boondocks. No OWFL nooner for the earthquake.
Mr. DM, that picture of you looks like one of those in utero shots.
Poor Peep! I feel for you, man. I will be going home tonight to study, so I am in your same boat.
I don't want to be a pet....
http://www.buycostumes.com/productgridview.aspx?pCatID=PetCostumes&cCatID=PetPromoAll&SelPage=1
If I were a cat, I'd take a page out of Sir Whinesalot's book and just scream at the top of my lungs until the nearest human puts something in my bowl just to get a few moments of silence while I chomp. Seems to work pretty well for him.
no lunch today.. im goign to survive off digesting swollen sinuses and an unending supply of thick mucus... being sick blows. i have eight hours to get better before the built to spill concert.. i request group prayer
oooh.. i should buy that nose irrigator! the chick that was selling it was luscious...
Otto pissed off Ken.
HT HAS AN INTERVIEW!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!
HUZZAH!!!
Good luck with the interview yo!
Yeah, yeah!! Good luck, HT!
Good luck HT!
Potbelly.
1st wreck in months.
Thanks guys! It's Oct. 16, and I'm not saying much more here, don't want the blog ruining this job before the interview, even!!
I'm hungry. I'd really like a burger. I hear Five Guys makes good ones...
Knocked down that pad thai.
Apparently, I took a hit or two off of that last night, too. There wasn't much there.
HT, did you know there's a 5 Guys conveniently located near the Navy Yard? I could describe the location, but it'd be easier to look it up online. Also, I had dinner last night from someplace called "Tortilla Chicken" or "Chicken Tortilla" on 8th St. SE just north of M. It's one of those Peruvian chicken joints, and the chicken/fried yucca combo cause a little foodgasm. So, so very, very yummy--I had to share. Sir Whinesalot also enjoyed his bite o' chicken--earned through lots and lots of screaming.
Lunch today was a sad, dull little sandwhich from the caf. at work. Sigh.
If you can wait a week, there's a 5 Guys about 5 blocks from my new house.
You're all very helpful with my plight. However, I'm looking for a special Czar delivered burger and fries.
The Czar'a at work.
And he has not a vehicle.
I had blackened salmon with mango salsa and sides of corn and broccoli, with a 16 oz drink, from the work cafeteria. About as good as you'd expect from a cafeteria
Wow, last week there was a reference to The Equalizer on Full House. Today, there was on to Simon and Simon.
I don't even know if I want a J-O-B. I'll miss all this great tv!
Bob Barker is a doddery old retard.
Y'all know my Jeopardy theory - I'd go on, and likely kick ass - I'd also go all homicidal up on Trebeck, and land my shit in jail. No thanks.
From what I understand though, even monkey whores with downs can go on that Deal or No Deal show - so maybe PeeP there's hope for you yet.
It is a nice day here. I'd go to Berry Hill tamales and be the dumpster whatever. I would be especially tough, but I would be a well fed whatever.
As it is .. Ro and I sat in the sun today (pretty breezy 86 degree day) and ate a seafood burrito. I got home and have to put together a proposal.
Having fun taking it easy. I'd be that animal.... maybe an old hound dog.
Right now I'd like to be an elephant so I could squash all my enemies. And people that bore/irritate me. And I could uproot trees with my nose! Awesome. I wonder how many gallons of beer would fit up my nose...
I say 'fucking Columbus' for different reasons. Apparently my company is p.c. enough that we don't get that day off. Dammit!!
It's my post on Monday, so all y'all who are off, please stop in! So jealous.
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